back inside myself

Things have been really good lately so I decided to take myself off of my prozac. Honestly was doing great, until now. The smallest things can make you seem like your spinning out of control. one little thing and its all back. The feelings of worthlessness, the doubts, the inner dialog. No how hard I try, no matter what its never good enough and will never be good enough. Never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough... especially that. I feel like the world is spinning out of control.

TGIF

This week has been crazy. Sad to say but my biggest accomplishment today was making it through the day without tears. I spent the first part of the day trying to convince myself that I do in fact love my job and at the same time reminding myself that I cant afford to quit my job. I know I should be thankful I have a well paying job when so many people dont. I spent the second part of my day counting down to bedtime for the kids. I dont know if my glass half empty approach to the day was because Ive forgotten to take my medicine for a few days or because of what today is to me. I wont get into it but Im no fan of Sept 23... at all. For all I care it can fall right off the calendar. Thank goodness for my Alex who never fails to make me forget everything. Tonight I put him in the tub and he splashed and played with the biggest smile on his face. Its times like that when I am so in love with him that I feel so guility for the times I am so disconnected from him. This week hasnt been too bad, he has been sleeping a little better which always helps but I still have times when I can look at him and feel nothing which no sweet baby like him deserves. Thats when I get to thinking about how his sisters and him deserve so much better for a mother. I guess all I can do is try my best.

The Notebook

Today was a crazy day. Rushing through work to make sure I was home in time for Brian to go to work, trying to get some things done around the house then off to Mom and Dads for Dads party. I didnt get 5 minutes to myself until the kids were in bed (dont even get me started on how much fun that was!). So what do I do to relax tonight? I watch the only movie that is guarenteed to make me cry every single time.... The Notebook.

I dont know why I insist on watching this movie knowing exactly what will happen. I do know I always feel better after watching it. Theres something about a good cry that cleanses the soul. Besides what girl doesnt love a classic love story! As I sit here with my kleenex (and sadly without a glass of wine) I remembered I have to take my prozac. Kinda funny isnt it? I wonder what they did back in the 1940's, when the notebook is set, when someone was depressed. No one ever talked about it. You know PPD existed back then. I wonder how women dealt with it... no medicine, not allowed to talk about how you feel, all the pressure to be the perfect wife with the perfect kids. Maybe not much has changed... except now you can get a pill!

Its still not talked about as much... and when you do talk about it people treat you like your some wack-a-do who probably shouldnt be left alone with their kids. The pressure to be perfect is still there, maybe not from anyone else but yourself.

SuperMom I am not....

For awhile I've thought about starting a blog, I mean its all the rage now right? I never quite got around to it before. Now though I need a place to get my thoughts out. Where should I start? How about with an introduction. I'm Ashley aka Mom, wife, nurse and many other things. I have 3 great kids... Shannen who is 4, Erinne who is 3 and Alex who is almost 12 weeks old. Of all the times to start a blog now would be it right? I mean I have tons of time on my hands with a newborn, 2 other kids, working part time and trying to keep my house from looking like a FEMA disaster area. I guess you could say its because of my kids that I want/need to blog... hopefully it will be like therapy (but a lot cheaper and on my own couch!).

I have postpartum depression (also known as PPD). I know what you're thinking.... so? Everyone has the baby blues. I wish it was just the baby blues. It started with Shannen. 12 weeks after she was born.. I had a beautiful girl, a great family, a job I loved. Life was supposed to be grand! Out of the blue I wanted nothing to do with my angel that I had undergone fertility treatments to conceive. I was exhausted from doing it all... up for all feedings, working 3 12 hour shifts in a row, pumping in an attempt to save my milk supply. I remember sitting on the couch at home one night, just Shannen and I, and she started to cry. Instead of rushing to pick her up and comfort her I was numb. I didn't want to do anything, had no reaction to her. I kept all this to myself, thinking I was just tired. It got worse and worse though. I remember my low point was driving home from work one night and there was this voice in my head that very calmly told me "Make a right hand turn off this overpass... everyone will think it was an accident and will be better off with you gone." I was a worthless, useless, terrible mother in my mind. I finally broke down shortly after and told my husband what I was thinking. The next day I was in my OB office telling her of my plan, crying. With a hug and a script for Zoloft I was told it would be OK.

Fast forward.....

The Zoloft was a life saver... literally. I took it during and after my second pregnancy add got to totally enjoy my second angel without the cloud of PPD hanging over me. I thought this time would be the same. Instead of Zoloft I decided to try Prozac this time around. Zoloft made me very tired which was not an option being pregnant with 2 kids. Everything was great, I felt good. My son Alex was born weighing in at a hefty 9lbs 9oz and the little chunk stole my heart. 8 weeks after he was born I went back to work as a community health nurse. As I went back to work I had this voice in the back of my mind..."This is when it starts". I noticed about 2 weeks ago it started again. In the evening when my husband is at work and its just me and 3 kids....disconnected, frustrated, numb. Even though I have been able to exclusively breastfeed Alex (something which I wasn't able to do with the girls) the doubts start in. I just want to go to sleep. Crawl into bed with the door shut...no one asking me questions over and over, no one crying, no one demanding. Not every night, not all the time but I know its there. I keep taking my little blue pill (no not THAT little blue pill!) and hope that it is just a bad day.

I don't know if this even makes sense, I'm typing as the thoughts pour into my mind. So many times I have wanted to talk to people about how I'm feeling but so often when people hear PPD they think of Susan Smith.. the mom who killed her 3 kids. I don't want to be treated like I'm an eggshell. Granted I feel like I'm going to crack at any time... I wont. I want to get my thoughts out, my frugal version of therapy (did I mention that I'm one of those crazy coupon ladies?!?!). Erinne just run up to me and gave me a hug, kiss and a I love you..... if I could bottle that and the calm I feel when I catch a whiff of Alex's head I'd put all the antidepressants out of business. Until I can though my supermom cape is buried with the dirty laundry... I'm gonna just keep swimming.